This man was most likely dreaming of cooler places or cooler weather, or maybe he was just dreaming of big catches... Now, I'm posting it dreaming of warmer weather (and fall has only just started). Maybe I'm dreaming of more summer days, heat, summer break, lazy days... even though the sweat of this day cut our trip to Coney Island quite a bit shorter than we wanted. I'd done so much convincing to get Seth to head down there with me... We ended up riding half the way to Coney Island sitting on opposite sides of the train, over who knows what (sometimes I'm difficult ;) And a sweet text later from him, a few smiles across the train, wondering if anyone knew we were even there together before we started communicating out of no where. I am one lucky girl... To have a husband join me on a day too hot to be out, give in to me when I'm being difficult and moody... To buy me soda, even though we both decide two sips in we should have just gone with water... Ahh, summer I do miss you. (But now I'm thinking about what weather I can drag Seth out in next for the sake of photos or whatever my fancy may be!)
This post is kind of a ramble. Today is Monday. It's to be expected. I just thought I'd share some thoughts of recent... My missing of summer. My momentary change of heart and loss of love for New York. I am kind of fearing the neighborhood I work in right now, word of bad things happening soon and the memory of the fear I had last fall around this time of year. As I rode the bus towards the subway today after work, some young guys were harassing a woman and the bus all of sudden shut completely down, trapped on the same corner as this group of guys. My heart raced, and I felt a false sense of security sitting toward the back of the bus. The bus driver had no idea why the bus shut down, as he tried to restart it a few times. I panicked, just a little, having no desire to walk through the neighborhood... especially with the way the corners were filled today.
Turns out, one of the guys had hit the emergency shut down button on the side of the bus (who even knew... and what kind of person even does these kinds of things?) And as the bus re-started, and I eventually got to my subway... and onto it... and down a few stops into Manhattan, my fear subsided. I breathed it out of my mind, feeling a little safer to be heading home.
But then I wondered. What am I doing? Why am I doing this? Putting myself through this fear for a job that wears me down, a job I cannot exactly succeed at... Working for people who are never happy, who must have horrible lives for the havoc they wreck on our lives... Spending my days wondering what I have done in my past lives to deserve such treatment (whatever it is, it must have been
bad). I realized that I've forgotten the norm of my working life outside of NYC. How will I ever assimilate back into the rest of the world? Maybe it won't be so hard, maybe it's a second nature, something I've placed on a shelf within reach for a time when I can actually use it again.
And then, as the subway came above ground a few stops from home, I caught a glimpse of the sunset. The warm colors were taking over the sky. I realized how often I don't ever see the sunset. I realized how weird that is for me, considering that I spent an incredible amount of days watching the sun set in the west across the flat land of Kansas. I didn't even have to go anywhere to see it, it was there for me every single day. Now, I am lucky if I even see it once a week, and I never see it for more than a few moments. Gawd I gotta watch the sunset more.
This is a weird post. I often don't discuss work... and I rarely discuss a lack of love for NYC (because I rarely feel a lack of love for NYC) but it is what it is. (S-don't get any ideas. I do NOT want to move anytime soon.) Today was just one of those days...
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)
.jpg)